She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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