dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You are a genius and a whore.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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