you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
