I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
