I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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