You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
