TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
