After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
