I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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