bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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