I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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