My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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