if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
