sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
