turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
