if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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