i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
