we have officially lost it.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize