I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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