i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm just crazy horny about you
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
