You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We are all done wearing pants today
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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