Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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