just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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