Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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