Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
