i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I AM VODKA MAN
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
