when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
