Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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