Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
