my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize