Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
