i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
