Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
