I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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