My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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