So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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