Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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