who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
