oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
