All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
