how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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