So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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