The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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