I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
worst night to have a conscience
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
