So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize