Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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