i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Sober January is a disaster.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize