from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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