She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
