Kareoke will never be a sober sport
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize