In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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