I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
