no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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