Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Randomize
