Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
