They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
