So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
