omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
